Im Bernard Madoff Trust Me. – CNBC’s Jane Wells Gets Waxed by Midas Madoff: Exclusive Interview
JW: Bernie-its been a while since we had a personal chat, and what with all of the crazy news stories lately, I thought this would be a great time to get your thoughts.
BLM: Janey, sweetheart; other than my alcohol-free hand sanitizer, I’ve got nothing but time on my hands these days!
JW: First; how are you feeling?
BLM: Couldn’t be better! I’m working out every day, I take a shvitz in that Indian tent twice a week, and the kosher meals they serve here are even better than the kreplach that Ruthie used to make!
JW: Bernie, What do you think about yesterday’s Supreme Court ruling that allows unlimited political campaign spending by corporations?
BLM: I think its wonderful, if not a little too late. If they made that decision two years ago, we could have gotten Chuck Schumer elected President–and my old friend Mary Shapiro would now b fef e the Treasury Secretary! I’d probably have been appointed Chairman of the Fed by now!
JW: What do you think about President Obama’s proposal to bring back Glass-Steagall?
BLM: Means nothing in the scheme of things. Especially now that Jamie Dimon and those fellas over at Goldman can get anyone they want elected to Congress. The big machas downtown are going to spend a bunch of money on lawyers to unwind the re-structurings they did last year, and Goldman, JPMorgan, BofA and the rest will simply create subsidiary hedge fund-like businesses.
JW: So, between these two big news events, what do you think the impact will be on the stock market?
BLM: I’ve told my son Mark that he should call up Carl Schoeppl and tap into that Cook Island account so that he can load up on media company stocks. I’m thinking that advertising spending for political campaigns will go from $3 billion to $30 billion within the next two years. Google (NYSE: GOOG) is the obvious stock to buy. News Corp (NYSE:NWS) is a good one, but you can also be buying the ad agency stocks OMNICOM (OMC). WPP Group’s ADR’s [WPPGY] are both good examples. Throw in a few split-strike hedging strategies, and your Governor out in California can make enough in 12 months to cover all of your deficits!
BLM: By the way, the jailhouse rumor is that your boss Jeff Emmelt is going to cancel the sale of NBC Universal to Comcast. This new ad spending is going to make that division worth 5x its current value!!
JW: Well, since you’re famous for being “Midas Madoff”, who else is going to be making money from the Supreme Court decision and the re-introduction of Glass Steagall?
BLM: I’m thinking men’s clothing makers. I can see a whole bunch of new suit designs for any elected official–customized logos on the front and back of the suit jackets with sponsor logos. For the gals, I can see whole designer lines of scarves and accessories with logos. And trust me, you’ll have health care companies, defense contractors, banks, and everyone else paying millions for these kinds of deals!
JW: So, you think this is going to be a big win for big business?
BLM: Absolutely! This Supreme Court ruling is going to make Paulson’s TARP bailout, and this ridiculous economic stimulus program look like a girl scout cookie drive. Ask my darling niece, Shana. She knows all about girl scout cookie drives!
Tens of Billions are going to be generated into the economy! And, new jobs too! Every Fortune 50, 100, 500 and 1000 company is going to be hiring Chief SPAM Officers!
JW: Chief SPAM Officer?
BLM: Of course! Chief of Spending for Political Action Media
JW: Any thing else to capitalize on??
BLM: Absolutely! Naming rights for government office buildings! I’m betting that the House of Representatives is going to have a big billboard on top that says “The House that JPMorgan Built”!
JW: Let’s move on to the update on the Madoff story. Why do you think there haven’t been any more criminal indictments in your case?
BLM: Janey, sweetheart–who can say? Maybe its because everyone is figuring out that there’s bigger fish to fry? Or, maybe its because those people at the FBI are so busy doing those sting operations and going after underwear makers to find out if any of them are making underpants that can be fitted for bombs?
JW: What are you hearing about SIPC and Irv Picard’s efforts to pay out on all of those claims?
BLM: Oy. What a sore topic. Makes my hands tremble when I think about all of the people that have written to me kvetching about the whole net equity thing, and SIPC’s saying that they’re using FIFO accounting fef to figure it all out. They might as well use FIDO accounting, if you ask me.
JM: FIDO accounting?
BLM: Sure..I learned that from Paul K. He came up with that term after his dog shit on that $10,000 carpet in his office! Ha!
JM: And what do you hear about this brouhaha between SIPC’s people and the SEC staff?
BLM: I think its terrible that someone said that the SEC is “a bunch of pussies”. But maybe that remark was taken out of context. Who knows?
JM: Well, Bernie. We’re just about out of time. Is there anything else you’d like to give me?
BLM: Janey, Janey, Janey. You know what I’d really like to give you..but since you’re such a sweetie, you should have your husband get you a couple of cases of that Caoni Chocolate for Valentine’s Day. Too die for! And its on sale for something crazy like $12 for a case! 
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